GAY RAY: A bright-eyed, animated, optimistic man, dressed in a bright green sweater.
RAY SAY: A professorial, dignified man, wearing small wireframe reading glasses and a tweedy green sweater.
NAY RAY: The opposite of GAY RAY. A depressed, pessimistic man riddled with neuroses and dressed in a dark green sweater.
STRAY RAY: A crazed, delusional man, very disheveled and confused who speaks in a raving manner. He is dressed in a weatherworn green sweater with holes.
(Stage is empty except for a lectern stage right and a desk with a chair behind it, stage left.)
OFFSTAGE CHORUS: (Slowly) Oh, RAY!
(GAY RAY enters from left excitedly, holding a plantlike object in his hand, and runs to the front of the stage.)
GAY RAY: Wanna see what amaranth looks like?
(NAY RAY enters from right and trudges slowly toward the desk, holding a book. He reaches the desk and disgustedly slams the book on it.)
NAY RAY: You can't eat anything that's interesting!
(NAY RAY plops down in the chair. RAY SAY enters from left, carrying some notes, and strides hurriedly to take his position at the lectern where he clears his throat. He lectures to the audience from his notes throughout the scene, paying no attention to the other characters.)
RAY SAY: (Expounding) Science isn't true!
(STRAY RAY stumbles from stage right to the back of the stage and stops midway, looking disoriented.)
STRAY RAY: (shouting) DOGS RAN INTO THE COURTROOM AND BEGAN LICKING BORK!
(GAY RAY runs to the back of the stage and leaps into the air, hands outstretched.)
GAY RAY: Lumber is really cheap!
NAY RAY: (shaking his head) Try and find a good anything.
RAY SAY: (still expounding) Your blood viscosity changes in the winter.
STRAY RAY: THE TOILET'S CLOGGED SO WE'LL HAVE TO RENAME THE COUNTRY!
NAY RAY: I wish everybody would let me eat in peace.
GAY RAY: (striding to the front and confiding with the audience) You know, garlic salt really hits the spot!
RAY SAY: "Transmogrify" is a better word than "doodoo".
STRAY RAY: (leaning forward) I won't go around imitating DEAD PEOPLE!
(GAY RAY skips merrily across the stage.)
GAY RAY: I'll be the Oliver Twist of anarchist physicists!
RAY SAY: (flipping his notes) We are all fractals.
NAY RAY: God, I hate working for meatballs! (Pounds his fist on the desk.)
STRAY RAY: (waving his arms frantically) I DON'T FEEL LIKE TUNA AND I DON'T TASTE LIKE TOMATO JUICE!
GAY RAY (dashing back and forth across the stage) BUTTER AND CHICKEN TO FRIDGE! BUTTER AND CHICKEN TO FRIDGE!
NAY RAY: (mumbling) Maybe I got the fungus in my body from the fungus on my lawn.
RAY SAY: Warm climates cause stupidity.
GAY RAY: (running back up to the audience) Wanna hear about corn?
NAY RAY: All I know is my hibiscus keeps falling over.
RAY SAY: Fluorescent lighting robs your body of Vitamin A.
STRAY RAY: (shouting at Ray Say) WHY DON'T THEY JUST HAVE A SHOW AND CALL IT "NAKED LADIES"?
GAY RAY: (holding something in the air) Look! I got a new piece of dental floss!
RAY SAY: It's hard to be a descendent of someone who's had no children.
STRAY RAY: (to Ray Say) WHY ARE YOU SAYING "HI" TO ME?
NAY RAY: (sighing loudly) It's impossible to find a decent toaster.
STRAY RAY: (stomping with each word) FUCK! SHIT! PISS! BARF!
NAY RAY: (slowly) They just mangle your food...
GAY RAY: (to NAY SAY) It would be silly to say "thymi"! (Laughs gleefully)
STRAY RAY: (pulling at his hair) I CAN'T THINK OF ANY FAMOUS AUTHORS!
RAY SAY: You can go anywhere on a nickel in New Orleans.
GAY RAY: The military is really fun!
NAY RAY: Maybe I'll just violate the law.
RAY SAY: You can't drink sewage.
STRAY RAY: WE'LL HAVE MOUNTAINS OF GARBAGE!
STRAY RAY points up to a spot on the ceiling and peers at it for awhile.
NAY RAY: (sighing again) Life is really ridiculous. (He puts his head in his hands.)
GAY RAY: If you don't eat your food right...you'll become BLOATED AND DRUNK!
STRAY RAY: (staggers toward audience showing his palms) KNOW WHAT THIS IS? IT'S STOMACH ACID!
NAY RAY: (throws his hands up in despair) Camping out is horrible!
GAY RAY: (struts around the stage with hands akimbo) HEY! I can't eat that hardtack!
RAY SAY: Our genes are decaying.
STRAY RAY: YOU KNOW -- MY NOSE IS RUNNING!
GAY RAY: (snapping his fingers as if struck with an idea) Biloxi is a great place!
NAY RAY: This guy just saw me and he wanted to vomit, I could tell...
RAY SAY: The difference between monochrome and colour is not that much.
STRAY RAY: (shouting at RAY SAY) WE NEED TO DO A SURVEY ON PLASTIC FORKS!
GAY RAY: (boasting proudly) I usually don't eat anything!
RAY SAY: If you're reasonably healthy it's okay to take arsenic. (Closes his notes.) Any questions?
NAY RAY: (to Ray Say) The only thing I worry about is if my parachute won't open. (Stands slowly, staring at desk.)
STRAY RAY: (frantically) YOU -- YOU WOULDN'T LAST LONG WITHOUT YOUR LIVER! (Staggers toward audience and then off stage.)
RAY SAY: People who are addicted to Diet Coke are actually alcoholics. (He picks up his notes.) Thank you. (Strides off stage.)
NAY RAY: (raising his fist to the sky) OH VAST CONTAINER OF SLIPPERY MATTER! (Stomps angrily offstage.)
(GAY RAY notices he's alone and is delighted. He approaches the audience secretively.)
GAY RAY: Did -- did YOU know that I had an infected tooth? (Scampers quickly offstage.)
Return to Warts and All