Double Shot Buzz: Espresso Caffe Dior/Cheesus

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Back Buzz - July 17, 1998

Espresso Caffé Dior, 800 Convention Place, Convention Center at Pike Street, Downtown

Espresso Caffé Dior is a small place situated next to the Washington State Convention Center's Pike Street entrance. As I entered the cafe I was greeted by a glowing portrait of Jesus as well as a sign which proudly proclaimed HEALTHY AND FRESH SANDWICH IS GOOD FOR YOU. It made me think of a sign I once saw posted over the koi pond at Gregory's Restaurant in the Embassy Suites in Downey, California which said FOOD AND COIN HARMFUL TO FISH. My friend Mistah Rick and I used to wonder what particular coin it was that was considered harmful. Or perhaps the signmaker meant to say "coinage". Perhaps Japanese carp are sticklers for correct language and don't take kindly to patrons calling them "fishies" or "gillheads".

But back to my double short cappuccino: it was beautiful in appearance, served in a lovely white flared cup ringed with black on a matching tulip-shaped saucer. The foam head was gorgeous, too, and the shots seemed strong enough, but there was something not completely beautiful about the coffee itself. Was it stale? Did they have a dirty machine? I'm sure it wasn't the Torrefazione beans they use, because Torrefazione can be quite good.

The coffeeshop is very simple in decor. Besides Jesus there are some photos on the walls featuring South American scenes, which makes a lot of sense in an Italian coffee shop run by Asians. Various pastries are offered, as well as that HEALTHY AND FRESH sandwich. (Does this mean there's just one sandwich per customer? Or are they implying they split one single sandwich up among all their customers? It must be a pretty big sandwich.)

Caffé Dior is a nice place to sit and watch the scenery. Directly across the street I can see the Waldorf Tower Apartments, a pair of condemned buildings which were probably quite elegant at one time. But now they're being torn down for the proposed Convention Center expansion. Such is the way of progress... There's a Hertz directly across the street as well, and a hotel beyond a parking lot. And over on the right is a round 1950s-style highrise apartment building with circular balconies; it looks like the Capitol Records building in Hollywood after having undergone some sort of grotesque genetic mutation.

Just a short block away you'll find the Sheraton, the world's first Gameworks, and the Convention Place Bus Tunnel Station. And from where I'm sitting I have a close-up view of a sign saying NO SITTING OR LYING DOWN ON PUBLIC SIDEWALKS IN DOWNTOWN ZONE 7 AM TO 9 PM. This is a result of that fine ordinance introduced by Seattle City Attorney Mark Sidran to prevent Seattle's throngs of homeless people from getting too comfortable. Boy, it's a good thing when my mom fainted during her recent Seattle visit that she wasn't downtown. I mean, does it make a difference why you happen to be sitting or lying down on the sidewalk? Are you excused, for instance, if you sit down to tie your shoelaces? Or how about if you have a heart attack? Is it okay to lie down then? What if you happen to be dead? Will they still arrest a dead person? Or can the dead get excused with a note from their mortician?

Oh, well...there are plenty of antiquated laws on the books, and plenty more to come. No use crying over a healthy sandwich when Jesus is right there looking down upon you.

Speaking of Jesus and sandwiches, here's an e-mail exchange with my Bay Area friend from last year:

Have you ever seen anyone go as Jesus on Halloween? I suppose that would get to be a bit cumbersome dragging your cross along as you step up to the hors d'oeuvres table for a bit of Shropshire. Do you like that cheese? I just remembered I took some to a housewarming party in Alameda a couple months ago; it was delicious, but I haven't bought myself any since. Also you recently asked if I have had good parmesans. Yes! Andronico's of Berkeley carries a very tasty parmesan -- reggiano, I think it's called. I'll have to stop by after work today to pick some up, along with some ravioli and sauce.

Hey, I should have titled this message "Jesus and Cheeses." Could you design a phonetic costume? Then if two people went as Jesus and cheeses, you could hardly tell them apart.

Yes, I have seen someone go as Jesus on Halloween! But I can't remember anything about him. Was that the same party with the guy dressed as a flasher? Or...perhaps I'm getting the two mixed up...

I've never had Shropshire cheese. I know I've had Cheshire and Cottswald and Stilton and Huntsman. And I've had a taste of that Irish speckled green cheese -- or am I thinking of the moon?

As far as the costume goes, what about making yourself up as a wheel of cheddar with a Stilton head, perhaps with runny Brie eyes? And then you could wear a robe and sandals and strap a cross on. And you could call yourself Cheesus!

I'm still laughing about that costume idea. I've been amused by "Cheeses of Nazareth" jokes for years, but it never occurred to me to blend the words (and the concepts) into one entity. The son of Curd! And the image of that bearded, pain-wracked man with a body of cheese, still dragging his cross. But how could they nail him up? His hands and feet might crumble.

I may have to start working on that one right away for next Halloween. Or why not Easter? And I'll have to start practicing my lines.

Wow...conjures up all sorts of ideas! Could we rewrite the Bible, renaming it the Holey Swiss? I don't know much about the book, but, let's see...Mary Magdalene could be Mary Mozzarella. John the Baptist could be John the Muenster. Yes, yes, if Cheesus is the Son of Curd, would Joseph and Mary then become Rennet and Whey? What about all those apostles? St. Parmesan, St. Provolone, St. Reggiano, St. Mizithra, St. Cheshire, St. Fontina, St. Feta...and the holy city of Jerusalem could be renamed Delicatesen...

And then there's the Garden of Stilton and the story of Edam and Brie, and how Brie was tempted by the apple (a Braeburn, no doubt, sliced thin). And when the snake, on seeing Brie and the apple, uncorked and decanted an inferior burgundy, Edam and Brie were condemned to a world crawling with bad wines and mushy apples.

Then there's the Ten Camembertments, including "Thou Shalt Not Melt", "Thou Shalt Not Slice Thy Neighbor's Cheddar"... What would followers of Cheesus be called? Cheesits? And Lucifer could be...Velveeta! What would that make Heaven and Hell? Would Cheesits strive to go to The Great Cave In The Sky when they die, rather than be condemned to Kraft for all eternity?