CoffeeBeer >> Warts & All >> Guide to Proper Eating


The everyday life of a highly paid computer professional is overflowing with stress that can manifest itself in forms as varied as migraine headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure, and insanity. These ailments can be prevented by simply eating correctly. Many people are not obtaining ultimate pleasure from their food and therefore are not digesting it properly. Here are some guidelines for proper eating of common foods:

  1. SPAGHETTI: Contrary to popular opinion, it is gauche and crude to wind a strand of spaghetti around a fork and eat it in a mouthful. It is also improper to stick one's lips into a pile of spaghetti, grab onto one strand with the teeth, and suck hard. The polite way to consume this pasta is to wrap about a fifth of a strand around the fork, put the forkful into one's mouth, and start chewing on the wadded end while sucking the rest of the strand slowly up in jerks.

  2. CARROTS: Many people have no idea of the satisfaction that can be derived from eating a large raw carrot. Only fat, older carrots can be eaten in the proper manner, which involves eating the outer ringed part off first and leaving the inner, rather tasteless core for last. A young, thin carrot just does not divide properly and should only be used for cooking, grating, or giving to one's dog.

  3. JELL-O: To obtain maximum pleasure from eating Jell-o, a spoonful should be placed in the mouth in front of closed teeth and the Jell-o then sucked through the teeth. (This will not work with banana- or fruit cocktail-filled Jell-o.)

  4. ORANGES: Oranges should first be peeled (in whatever manner is desirable) and then split into individual segments. With each segment, take little bites out of the top rim to divide the segment into even bites, and then proceed with individual bites. The orange peel should be discarded in a festive manner: in someone's desk drawer, out the window, on the bathroom floor, etc.

  5. FRIED EGG: There are two methods for eating fried eggs, depending on the style desired:

    1. OVER HARD TO OVER MEDIUM: Divide the egg into even bite-sized pie-shaped pieces, making sure that each piece has an equal amount of yolk attached to it. A compass may be used for this purpose.

    2. OVER MEDIUM TO OVER EASY: Eat the white of the egg in whatever manner desired. Then, scooping up the unbroken yolk carefully with a spoon, pop it into the mouth all at once.

    3. SUNNY SIDE UP: People who eat eggs sunny side up should be shot. [NOTE: I don't feel this way anymore.]

  6. M & MS (OR SMARTIES): There are many differing opinions as to the proper consumption of a plain M & M. These range from the mouthful-poured-from-the-bag theory to the one-at-a-time-licking-off-the-"M"-first theory. There are only two acceptable ways to eat a plain M & M, however, both stemming from the one-at-a-time theory. The first way is to eat off the candy coating and then pop the entire chocolate center into the mouth. The second method, which requires far more skill, is to divide the M & M into as many bites as possible. The present record is 37 bites.

  7. ICE CREAM CONE (OR CORNET): The large, fresh scoop of ice cream should be licked in a normal fashion until it is manageable. It should then be licked into a cylinder, taking care to lick the top firmly at intervals to push it into the cone. When the ice cream is almost down at cone-rim level, it should be pushed firmly into the cone with one thrust of the mouth, and then the cone can be nibbled around in a spiral fashion, pushing the ice cream down as needed. When only an inch and a half of cone is left, the tip of the cone should be bitten off and the ice cream sucked out. The remaining cone should then be thrown onto the sidewalk and stepped on.

  8. GRAPES: The proper way to eat seedless grapes is obvious: simply peel each grape with the teeth until all the skin is off, and then proceed as with Jell-O (see #3 above).

  9. OREO: Entire theses have been written on the art of Oreo eating, so there is only one solution to the Oreo problem: each Oreo should be eaten in a different manner than the previously eaten one. The following are some popular ways of eating Oreos:

    1. Take regular bites as if it were a sandwich.

    2. Divide the halves, lick off the icing, and eat the two dry cookies.

    3. Dip the Oreo into a glass of milk before each bite.

    4. Eat one half off the whole sandwich and then eat the second half with the icing on it.

    5. Eat the edges off the cookie up to the icing, and then take unpredictable bites of the remainder.

    6. Smash up the cookie and suck the crumbs up through a straw.

  10. EGGS BENEDICT OR FOLDED-OVER OMELETTE: Any dish which consists of various layers of distinct ingredients should be eaten in the following way: divide the entire entree into equal halves with a fork, then equal fourths, then equal eights, etc., to such an extent that there are equal portions of each ingredient in each bite. The trick is to spear all the items for each bite onto one forkful and get it all in the mouth at the same time. This requires practice and dexterity.

  11. PEACHES: The peach should be eaten like an apple, one hemisphere first, down to the seed. The remainder should be eaten to the seed until you are left holding a slender leg of peach with skin on one end and pit on the other. At this point, the pit should be plucked off with the teeth and spit into a friend's trashcan or a public mailbox. The rest is easily consumed.

  12. MALTED MILK OR NESTLE'S QUICK: Take care to use too much powder and to not thoroughly mix the powder with the milk. This way, the drink can be enjoyed in a normal fashion until the last couple of ounces, when the milk can be sloshed around to mix up the remaining powder to create an obnoxiously sweet last swallow with a pudding-like texture.

  13. VANILLA ICE CREAM WITH CHOCOLATE SYRUP: If you didn't learn anything else from your childhood, you should have at least learned how to eat this favourite dessert. Eat half of the ice cream with the syrup on top. Then mix the remainder thoroughly into a chocolate soup and drink it. Don't forget to lick the sides and bottom of the bowl.

© 1984 JC Mitchell

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